the truth about the news

yesterday's news of shootings in the u.s. brought up a wide variety of emotions in me, sitting here in spain.

just a view through the windshield of the pyrenees as we drive in spain

it’s very …interesting… to leave your country of origin, possibly forever (aside from visits, of course mom), and still keep up with the news. the first thing i noticed, pretty much right away, is that it no longer made me tense. i still was angered or saddened by news I would hear from the u.s., but it no longer made my chest feel tight. the fear and anxiety emotions were gone. 

when I woke up yesterday, i heard the news about yet another school shooting, and two days before that another mass shooting, this one on the blue line in chicago (that i used to ride back and forth when i lived there). i confess that the first real emotion that bubbled up as i listened to the news was relief. relief! we do not have to worry about my daughter going to school and ending up traumatized by a school shooting- or even traumatized by an active shooter drill. they just… well, honestly, they don’t have those here. not the drills, and not the school shootings. my daughter is safe here. and I am relieved.

my second emotion, well trained as i am to land on it, was guilt. i feel like i got out- not just from school shootings, but out from so much, by moving here. i escaped. and i know that not many people can, even if they want to—although i would counter that more could make the move than think they can. i feel guilty for being able to leave.

we left for a lot of reasons. a couple of those reasons are politics and shifting laws, and my daughter’s safety, sure. we also left because we were moving to spain: the place we met and fell in love, the place where life is slower and more beautiful and the food tastes better (and is so much healthier) and the infrastructure is better, from the roads to the universal health care to the internet. on the list goes, why spain made more sense for my family than the united states did.

still, that guilt emotion: because i was able to leave, but also: i had the choice to leave, and i took it. i decided to stop fighting to make the place i was in better, and instead just moved to a better place. in some moments, more than i like, it feels like i gave up and took the easy way out.

not that selling nearly all your belongings, packing up the remainder, and resettling your family in another country is easy. 

but then again, it was definitely easier than staying to fight. and I feel guilty about that. even though my daughter is safe here. even though all three of us have better mental health here. even though my husband is able to return to a mediterranean culture, which is so good for him. even though even though even though….

it was the right choice, moving to spain. seven weeks in, and so much hassle and frustration already conquered, and more still to conquer, i know that. deep in my bones i know we made the right choice to move here.

but life is complex, and emotions are too, and there we are: the right choice doesn’t produce only happy emotions. the recent shootings in the u.s. just brought them all up again, and i wanted to share-because i told you i would be sharing the journey with you.

(my apologies, by the way, for the break in sharing; starting a new life in another country takes a lot of work, much of it too boring to write to you about (bureaucracy in spain is just not a fast-paced tale, as it turns out). 

i sincerely hope that at some point the u.s. elected officials can get to work and actually make some real change on gun safety laws (among many other things) to make the country safer for children, and for everyone. i hope our friends and family, and their neighbors, and their neighbors, can all be given a more safe, just, and beautiful life in the united states.

i also sincerely hope everyone who wants to leave can find their way to make that happen.